


Fallen Apart but Coming Back

by MelonMass



Series: Over a Hundred Hurts [3]
Category: Xī yóu jì | Journey to the West - Wú Cheng'en
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Dark Thoughts, Gen, High-key vent fic, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 00:54:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20249467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelonMass/pseuds/MelonMass
Summary: Trip needs to believe things can get better, even if it takes years.





	Fallen Apart but Coming Back

**Author's Note:**

> August is the month of angst.

He felt dirty. He felt dirty and unclean and terribly violated. What was he supposed to do? Trip couldn't stay here, that was for sure. He took steps to avoid _him_ since _it_ happened. Trip blocked _him_ on every social media. Went as far as to change his number. The only thing he had left to do was move out of town. It wasn't an easy thing to do with an extremely limited ability to walk, but it had to be done. The longer he stays, the more terrified he is of _it_ happening again, but worse.

Trip didn't have a lot of friends in the first place. Almost all of them weren't even his friends. They were _his_ friends. He actually lucked out with the one friend he actually had (not counting that online friend he's had for years). Sandy was a swimmer and free-lance writer. He moved out of town to the city last year. Sandy didn't know what happened, but he invited Trip to this apartment he was going to share with some acquaintances. "It's be a bit of a tight fit with all of us," he warned, "but it's way better than the shit-hole I had on my own. There's an elevator really close to the apartment door, too. And these guys will give you space if you need it. They're good people."

They really were good people right from the start, even though Trip wasn't able to see it at the time. One of them, Sunny, turned out to be the very person he'd befriended online, which was it's own brand of surprise. Every single one of them had issues. Issues that each kept secret for at least half a year of knowing each other, then coming out to the open all at once. It started with Sandy just about fainting in the middle of making dinner. It was a legitimate diagnosis, Avoidant or Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. He'd been told before it was fake, that he was just being unreasonably picky. It's a real eating disorder, and no, it didn't have anything to do with how he looks.

Pigsy had a mother who was, by every definition, abusive. Almost her entire side of the family were just as bad, if not worse. White's family practically kicked them out. Their mother was non stop passive aggressive about them and their identity and talents and interests. Their father forced them to leave when they refused to back down. Sunny didn't say anything for a few minutes. Maybe he was hoping Trip would share first. He doesn't.

Sunny didn't go into details. He said simply, "My mind was in a dark place for a while. Dropped out of university because of it." He tapped his fingers and squirmed in his seat. "It definitely wasn't the best situation to be in. Did some stupid shit."

Trip felt like everyone was eying him now. He was the only one not sharing anything here. If he didn't say anything, they'd think he was the odd one out here. If he confessed, surely they'd avoid someone as broken and defiled as him. Trip swallowed nervously and shivered. "I, um, I had to leave town for a reason." _He had to say something. He had to say something!_ "Someone had... I was..." _Just something. Not everything. Just that one word and nothing else._ "I-I was..." _no no no no no no._ "I-I can't!"

"You don't have to-"

"I'm sorry!" Trip felt grateful he was in his wheelchair today, since it made an escape to the bathroom much easier. He knew at least Sunny would be chasing after, as was his protective nature. He just barely made it in time to puke in the toilet. He didn't think he'd actually puke this time. A lot of times he just found himself hunched over and gagging. Of course the door is open enough for Sunny to clearly see._  
_

Sunny knocked, actually _knocked_ on the half open door. "Are... you okay? Sorry you felt pressured to share. You didn't have to."

Trip was very aware that he was crying. Gods, he must have been a terrible sight to see. "I... I'm so disgusting."

"You're fine! You're dealing, and that's fine!"

"N-no... I'm... just so..." Trip knew he wouldn't be puking again this time. And yet he stayed with his face in the toilet. "I've... I've been broken and..." _He wanted to leave. Leave and sleep and never open his eyes again. Why didn't he just talk about his legs or something? Anything would have been better!  
_

"Could I come in? Would it be alright if I came in?" Trip couldn't bring himself to speak. He settled on nodding and hoped it was noticeable enough. He heard voice again moments later, closer than it was before. "Is it alright for me to sit next to you on the floor here? I could sit on the bathroom counter here if not. It's really okay."

"Is... Is it?"

"Yeah!" Sunny's voice stayed above him, he was sure the man just jumped up on the counter. "I'm not gonna just invade your space."

Trip wasn't used to this. He was used to either having his space completely invaded or just being absolutely ignored. This couldn't really be normal, could it? How was he supposed to respond? Does he say everything now? Reveal every single trauma he's experienced? "I... I don't want to talk about..."

"Then don't. It's okay."

"Wh... Why?"

"You deserve to have boundaries, Trip. And, well, I guess I can tell some asshole was too dumb to respect that."

Trip tensed up. He was terrified of people knowing. He was terrified that it was so obvious, that anyone could figure it out. He could feel the panic setting in. Curled up tense and shaking. Crying. If not screaming, then loud sobbing. Sunny didn't, _couldn't_ know what he was really panicking about. The man seemed to think he was just finally letting himself be upset about it. Finally coming to terms with what happened to him.

But somehow... Somehow, it _helped_. Sunny was staying there. Sunny was ready to help and comfort him if need be. Sunny somewhat knew what happened to Trip, but he didn't show any cruelty or disgust. Even after that night, he was treated the opposite of what Trip had expected. Sunny was still his wild, rambunctious self, but he was incredible kind and patient with him. He'd offered to take Trip to appointments on his motorcycle when he started therapy. He'd bring Trip food if he just couldn't leave his room.

Sunny was charming, rebellious, and so caring. Trip actually found himself wanting to date again, albeit almost 5 months after that emotional night. It was another two months before they even went on a date. It was awkward, nervous, but still rather lovely. Sunny was gentle and remarkably patient with him. It was made even more remarkable by that fact he was naturally an affectionate person. The former jock craved holding someone close, yet he'd let Trip take his time with how much he was ready for.

It was a bit different, to start dating someone you already live with. Usually moving in together was a huge step in a relationship. Even spending the night at the other's place was usually a big step. It may have help them to not be sharing a bedroom. Two bedrooms between five people, and they managed not to share a room. Not that it stayed that crowded for long. White moved in with their bandmates eventually. Pigsy had plans to move out soon. It wouldn't be long before Sandy decided to move out too, and it would finally feel like they were a romantic couple living alone.

Trip had thought about this during a movie night on the couch, just him and Sunny. It wasn't like he just randomly started thinking about it. It started after a texting conversation with his sister, Paige. "I... I'll have to visit my family next weekend..." He stuttered. He didn't need to bring up his sister's "BIG announcement TO MAKE" or anything like that.

Sunny sat up from his lounging position on the couch. "Oh," he said. "In your home town?"

"Yeah, I-" Trip tried to take a deep breath to calm down more. "I don't really... want to go alone..."

Sunny was quiet for a minute. The other prepared himself to be told no when "Okay."

Trip blinked. "O... Okay?"

"Yeah! I mean, I'm not reading this wrong, am I? You're asking my to come with?"

"I am! It's just..." Trip nervously tapped his fingers before continuing much more softly, "My parents will be all weird about it if we don't share a bed- a - a _room_..." _He was probably being weird about this himself._

Sunny stared for a few tense moments. "Oh." Neither of them said anything for several minutes, sat in silence except for the movie still softly playing. Suddenly, the former jock spoke, "Do you want to sleep out here tonight? It's a fold out couch in here." With a hint of a smile, Trip smiled. He thought he'd be more terrified of this. He thought his ex scared him off so much as sitting on a bed with someone. And yet, as he lied down next to his boyfriend, an arm around his waist, and found himself surprisingly comfortable.

They didn't move into the same room right away, not with Pigsy moving out so soon anyway. The couple took the bus to Trip's home town. It was a long ride, so he brought his crutches instead of his chair. Sunny fell asleep on Trip's shoulder for part of it. His sister and her partner, Ness, picked them up from the bus stop. "Sooooo..." his sister trailed on, "You two've been together for a while now?"

Trip felt a bit nervous to answer. Was it weird for it to take this long to introduce his family and boyfriend? Sunny answered instead, "Almost a year now, just about."

Ness threw their head back in a laugh. "It took Paige here longer than that to introduce me to the folks."

"Awwwww..." Paige pouted. Well, Trip couldn't see it really from where he was, but he could _hear_ it. "Come on! I was waiting to see if Mother would get any less... you know."

Ness sighed. "Yeah... she hasn't gotten much better, though..."

Trip knew how their mother was. She may try to say she was better and accepting now, but it was far from the truth when he'd moved out. Sunny squeezed his hand in a reassuring way. It made him smile. "W- well... We're both adults now, so... she can't ground us anymore." His sister laughed at that.

Dinner was at a pizza place their dad was always fond of. Speaking of, he and their step-dad had arrived at the place early and picked a table already. Mother arrived mere minutes later, along with _Trip's ex's mother_. He'd forgotten those two were friends, and both fake accepting. When pizza arrived, Mother's friend announced it was time to say grace. Paige and Ness stood up with clasped hands, and proudly announced "We're engaged." That was when the two women went _bad._

"Uh, to who? The boys on their way. Oh, sorry. You must mean these two?" The woman waved over to Trip and Sunny. The former jock squeezed his boyfriend's hand.

"_Hell. No._" Sunny hissed through clenched teeth.

"You won't marry a _girl_ sweetheart."

Dad stood up now. "Who are you to tell her that!"

"I'm not marrying a _girl. _I'm marrying Ness, who isn't a girl or boy, _AS WE'VE BEEN OVER BEFORE!!"_

"You're BROTHER wouldn't do this to me!" _Please no please no please-_ "Sure, he used to be into that _DISGUSTING_ stuff, but he's gotten well over it! And Jona-"

Trip left the table as quickly as he could, as crippled as he was. He couldn't. He couldn't with this. Sunny followed right next to him, helping keep his boyfriend steady and upright. They left the restaurant. Trip leaned against the wall and let himself sink to the ground. His boyfriend sat down beside him. Trip cried into his knees while Sunny rubbed circles into his back. "Not gonna lie, I really wanna fight people like that. Who even was that with your mom?"

Trip sniffed and mumbled, "Ex's mom..."

"Oh." Sunny paused. He changed the subject. "Welp. Don't think either of them will be invited to the wedding."

Trip appreciated it, really. He didn't want to think about _it._ But _it_ wouldn't leave his mind. "They... they don't even _know._"

"Hey." Sunny got a bit closer, enough to whisper and be heard. "Could I hug you right now? Is that okay?"

Trip nodded. "Mmhm." Arms wrapped around him, gently held him close to a warm body. Again, he felt pleasantly surprised at how comfortable he felt like that. Hardly, he paid any mind to the potential stares from passerbies. Just as he felt ready to go inside again, just as Sunny helped Trip up onto his feet, his mother and that woman came outside.

Sunny didn't even let them get a word out. Just held Trip close to his side and said, "Excuse us, strangers, but my boyfriend and I are heading inside for our pizza." They didn't move from blocking the door, so the former jock pushed past them while keeping his boyfriend from their grasp. "Don't want it to get cold, you know!"

They almost ran right into a staff member, who quickly began apologizing for these "disturbers of the peace, just on their way out now." The rest of dinner went on, everyone _trying_ to forget that outburst. The food was good. Everyone congratulated the newly engaged couple. Dad offered to buy them drinks from the bar, which the couple refused as one was driving and the other wasn't in the mood for it. The group moved on to Dad's place for dessert. All of them ended up spending the night there.

The weekend ended almost too quickly, but relatively well. Trip's step-dad even bought an ice cream cake for them all towards the end of it. Sunny playfully whined about not being able to take it home on the long bus ride. Trip was internally grateful there was no run in with his ex. One final breakfast date at the local coffee shop, just the two of them before the bus back. They were so close to leaving, but Trip realized he was too hopeful. "Trippton?"

He was going to throw up. Seriously, honestly, going to throw up. But _what if he's followed what if he's cornered what if what if oh gods oh gods-_ Sunny squeezed his shoulder. "You okay?" he whispered.

"Hello, Trippton!" _They need to leave they need to leave they need to leave please please please._

"We should leave." His voice cracked and squeaked. _Why now? Why here?_

Sunny moved quickly to pack up their drinks and whatever pastries they ordered. He turned to glare once at the jerk who made them cut the date short. Aside from that, he didn't do anything to that... _man isn't right. It'd be an insult to all men to call him one._ The former jock hooked his arm around the other's to help keep him steady. He waited until they were out the door, then whispered, "That was _him_." It wasn't a question. It was stating a fact.

"D-d... don't fight anyone. _Not here._" Trip hated how meek his voice was. At least it was too soft for prying ears to listen in. Sunny pressed his forehead to the other's temple. "I... home please?"

"We'll get home, don't worry." Sunny kissed his cheek. It was just a bit comforting, but Trip wouldn't be at ease until either they were back at his dad's or on the bus away from this town.

"HEY! TRIPPTON!" _Oh dear Gods, he was trying to follow them._ "I'm sorry about what your sister did! Don't let it think we can't still be better than that!"

Sunny turned back with a nasty glare. _Don't fight don't fight don't fight._ "My name's not Trippton!" He yelled. "So don't scream at me and my boyfriend!" Trip felt frozen to the spot. This was making a scene, wasn't it? _People were staring, weren't they?_

"Not you! I was talking to-"

Sunny shoved the coffee and pastries into the other's arms and scooped him and his crutches up before _he_ could continue. He ran off down the sidewalk with his boyfriend in his arms. Trip practically burrowed his face into the other's shoulder. He tried to force away those thoughts and memories. His therapist said trying to repress thoughts only made them emerge more, but Trip _refused_ to go through that mess out in public like this. He could hold it back at least until they got back to the apartment that afternoon. He'd done it before.

The old track runner stopped after running around several blocks, twisting and turning most of the way. This spot seemed much more empty of people. "Hey," Sunny pants. "You... okay?"

Trip didn't try to lie to him. He didn't even answer at all. "You could put me down now," he spoke quietly. Sunny let him down to his feet, but didn't quite let him go. "We should head back to the house. Don't want to be late for the bus."

Sunny hummed and took his coffee for Trip's crutches. "You know how to get back from here? I..." He took a sip out of his coffee. "I didn't pay much attention to where we were actually going."

The short-haired man looked around at their surroundings. He... he _did_ recognize this area. They were downtown, close to where the river was. "I... I kinda remember... yeah... Yeah, I do."

"Well, then, dear sir," Sunny gave an exaggerated bow. "Would you be so kind as to lead the way?" Trip smiled ever so slightly. They went on pretending the encounter with _him_ never happened. The plans for the day mostly went on unchanged. they made it to the bus station with plenty of time for hugs goodbye with his family.

"Remember, you get to be Best Man at my wedding," his sister whispered to him. "You've got like a year to be ready for it."

Trip was somewhat soothed by leaning on Sunny's shoulder the ride back. He still felt off, but that was to be expected. Once they were finally home, he could hide under his covers and cry his heart about everything that went wring this weekend. As long as Sandy wasn't in the room. If he was, then Trip could have himself a nice hot shower cry. It might even be better to have a shower cry or a bath. Could help make him feel better to get all clean and fresh.

His eyes were already starting to tear up as they leave the bus stop. "'M feelin' tired," he explained away when his partner asked. It wasn't exactly a lie. The summer sun was already setting. It'd be dark by the time they were actually home, and surely anyone would need to sleep after a day like today. He waved hellos at Sandy and Pigsy with a tired smile, but Trip practically went straight to the bath upon entering the apartment. He got the water as hot as he could, nearly boiling. He'd surely come out with reddish skin, but he didn't care much about that.

The man reflected on the day, the encounter with his ex. Thinking about _him_ made his skin crawl. He should have handled that better. He should have been able to keep it together much better than he did. He should have yelled to his sister's defense when _he_ brought her up. Said, "All she did was get engaged." Could have acted like this guy was a stranger like Sunny did. Or maybe said "Sir, please stop screaming at random people." Oh God, that could have gone better.

Trip took a deep breath, soaking in the warm humid air. It was in the past now. At least he wasn't alone. Or maybe that was worse. Sunny didn't deserve to suffer through this, too. He deserved so, _so_ much better. _Trip doesn't deserve a partner like Sunny._

He left the bath and got into pajamas. He was cleaner now, more refreshed, but still drained. He hoped the steam and warm water somehow kept his eyes from getting too red and puffy. Sandy and Pigsy were already in bed, or at least in their bedrooms for the night. Sunny, however, was in the living room. He was on the couch, napping in front of the turned on TV. Was he waiting up for Trip? He didn't need to do that. No, not at all. Why? _Trip didn't deserve it._

Sunny moved. He sleepily opened his eyes. "Wasn't asleep. 'M up. Hey." He stretched and sat up. "You feeling all better?"

"Mmm." Trip didn't want to lie and say he felt perfect now, but he also didn't want to tell the truth and say he felt nothing. "I, um... Thanks for going along."

"Not a problem. Not at all." Sunny moved to the edge of his seat, like he was ready to stand up. He didn't leave the couch, though. Just, ready to move if needed. "It was pretty nice sharing a bed, if I'm honest."

"Yeah." Trip smiled just a bit. "It _was_ pretty nice."

"I... guess you're going back to your own bed now, huh?"

"I uh..." He stared down at his feet and rubbed his arm. It was... scary to think of it becoming a constant thing, them sharing a bed. Honestly, he didn't think he'd care whether or not the was another person in his bed tonight. He just felt like lying out, staring into nothing as thoughts and feelings numbly drifted about. "...What are you watching?"

"Oh! Uh..." Sunny looked back at the TV. "They're having another Harry Potter marathon on TV. All night tonight and tomorrow."

Trip sat down on the couch next to him, setting his crutches down on the floor. "Which one is it on? I haven't seen the third one in a while."

"I think it's still on the second one." Sunny scooted back all the way in his seat. Leaned back in a more relaxed position. "If... if you stay up late enough, you might be able to watch it. If you want, that is."

The other man brought his feet up on the couch. "I... suppose I could try." The movie made for good enough background noise. He could go out of focus here. Sunny didn't try to wrap an arm around him or hold him close. He just... pressed against him, a slight pressure, just there. And it was enough.

Trip expected to wake up in that same spot. He didn't expect to wake up in a bed. His own bed. How did he get here? "Sunny caried you in last night. I was still up writing stuff," Sandy said, seeing his confusion. Even now, he was typing away at his computer, like he hadn't even slept the night before. "You fell asleep all weird on the couch. Also talked a bit in your sleep, but it's really nothing big."

"O- oh." Wait, did that mean Sunny had slept in here? Or did he not? Did- no, no. Sunny wasn't _him._ Sunny wouldn't invade him like that, and definitely not while Sandy was in here. It's not- It- IT'S NOT-

"He's probably still asleep, if your worried about it." Of course, Sandy was somewhat in tune to his old friend's worries. They'd known each other for so long. Both could at least tell if something was off with the other, and Sandy was smart enough at try and guess a few reasons why. "Or maybe you're thinking about unpacking. I haven't had my coffee yet."

It was early. Like not quite 6 am early. Of course Sunny would still be asleep. He probably caught more of that Harry Potter marathon. He'd probably be tired and groggy when he did wake up. Trip swung his legs off the bed and looked for his chair. "I could get the coffee get it started for you."

"Mmm..." Sandy wasn't one for speaking words before his morning dose of caffeine. "Pigsy made coffee before morning shift. Your tea is a thousand times better than your coffee. Fucking _bomb_."

Of course. Pigsy's coffee was always somehow the best any of them could make (second when White was still there). Trip left the bedroom, already planning out some black tea with ginger in his head. He finds Sunny on the couch, tired and nursing a half-cup of coffee. He offered the other a sleepy smile. "Good morning to you. I am too sleep deprived to not be blunt."

"Oh... Kay?" Trip rolled up closer to his spot on the couch. "Did you want to talk about something?"

"You talk in your sleep." He felt his heart pick up pace. _What the heck did he say in his sleep._ "I didn't think what happened to you was _that_ bad. I mean, what I expected was still pretty terrible, but-"

"No, no. It's too early for this." He wrapped his arms around himself. "I'll just make some tea. You should take a nap. You look completely exhausted."

"Trip." Sunny gently grabbed his partner's sleeve before he could turn to leave. "From what you were crying in your sleep, you were r-"

"Please! Not now, just-" He drew in a deep, sharp breath. It was too early to panic like this. "Just, I- I know the word. I know, but I just- I just can't say it."

"You're alright. Was I pushing you to say it? I swear, tired me has no filter." Sunny yawned. He put his coffee mug down on the coffee table and leaned back in the couch. "Just.. therapy and shit always said admitting it happened was a first step to getting better."

Trip didn't respond to that. He picked up the mug and said something about going to make tea. Presumably, Sunny went to sleep, thus leaving him alone with his thoughts. Admitting it... it's just a word. A four letter word. It begins with an r. The rest he couldn't bring himself to say, but he knew exactly what they were. He knew, and dear god it killed him.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to lead into the last one, but it got soon long.


End file.
